Who is pregnant and who is just fat!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

OK! is one of the mags who is claiming Jessica Simpson is pregnant, and they had a sub-headline this week stating "Who is pregnant and who is just fat!" The three women on the cover were Christina Aguilera, Fergie of the Black Eyed Peas and Holly Madison, pictured above.

Bun in the oven alert™: More rumors about Jessica Simpson. Including the gender of the as yet unconfirmed child.

Publications: In Touch, OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The rumors about Jessica Simpson being pregnant started three weeks ago. Now there are more stories, including the original reporter (or fabricator) of the story In Touch saying they know the gender. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Jessica Simpson: Yes, I'm having a baby
  Jessica silences her weight critics by finally revealing her big news!
• In Touch: Jessica baby joy!
  It's a girl!

There has still been no confirmation from Jessica's representatives.

The latest Ashton and Demi drama. With a little extra Bruce Willis goodness thrown in.

Publications: National Examiner, National Enquirer, OK!, In Touch
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! And a special welcome to gossip hell to Bruce Willis, his first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this decade. Here are the headlines.

• National Examiner: Demi wants Bruce back
• National Enquirer: Tortured by Ashton's secret double life…
  Demi suicide shocker!
  Inside: details of her visit to this church for help
  humiliation pushes her to brink
  Bruce rushes to Demi's side
• OK!: Ashton's cheating: What Demi's kids think
• In Touch: Demi kicks Ashton out!

The big surprise in this one besides the suicide warning is the low rent Examiner getting in on this story. Their audience skews older than most, and it might be the addition of 80s TV star Willis that makes this story of any interest to them at all.

Love Bird Alert™: J. Lo and Bradley Cooper.

(photo credit: Peter Kramer/AP)
Publications: People, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Five weeks ago, there was a flurry of five stories about Jennifer Lopez dating Bradley Cooper. This week, a second smaller flurry of three stories talks about the new couple. Their relationship has also reached an important gossip milestone, since there are now actual pictures of them together in public easily available on the Internet. Here are the headlines.

• People: J. Lo & Bradley: It's on!
• OK!: J. Lo & Bradley Caught!
  She's not even divorced yet!
• Us Weekly: Jen's secret romance
  After Bradley pursues her for weeks with late-night calls and intimate dinners, J. Lo spends the night. Why she took a chance on him
  

I know I'm just a lowly blogger, but I have two pieces of advice for Mr. Cooper.

1. Sun screen.
2. RUN! No, the other direction.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Another Kardashian wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Getting all the Kardashian stuff out of the way early, we have OK! saying Kourtney and her longtime boyfriend/scumbag Scott Disick are going to get married.

Breaking news (?): Why Jen's in tears.

Publication: OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Yet another headline with the phrase "Breaking News!" this week, this time about Jennifer Aniston being in tears. Having seen the news in other places, she's doing publicity for Breast Cancer Awareness Month and she got misty eyed listening to the stories of survivors at a treatment center in Virginia.

By all means, women should have regular check-ups, because early detection is the most important tool we have in fighting this disease.

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim'n'Kris in crisis. And, oh yeah, Khloe hates the guy.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both literally and figuratively, the honeymoon is over for hot hobbit Kim Kardashian and her orc husband Kris Humphries. The wedding was just this August and after a few nice stories about a honeymoon in Italy, it's been a non-stop crap storm for the mismatched pair. Here are the headlines about them.

• OK: Kim&Kris: Faking it for the cameras
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive interview
  'What have I done?'
  Kim realizes her marriage is a mistake and demands a break from Kris
  Tears and regret after only 53 days
  

And just to make matters worse for Humphries, currently without a paycheck due to the NBA labor crisis, his sister in law Khloe flat out dislikes him.

• Us Weekly: Sisters torn apart: Why Khloe hates Kris

I really don't understand the public's obsession with this family and I can't tell if a huge wedding plastered all over their show and the gossip rags followed by a quickie divorce will be good or bad for their reality TV empire, but my best guess is that they have peaked and the decline in interest is now inevitable.

Love Bird Alert™ and On The Rocks Alert: Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively. And, oh yeah, Sandra Bullock and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Publications: People, In Touch, Star, OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively were co-stars in Green Lantern this year, which explains this picture of them together at ComicCon, where Ryan stares into the camera manfully instead of gazing at the obvious focal point for every other guy in the room. Now they are supposed to be a couple, which allegedly brings heartbreak to Sandra Bullock, who has been romantically linked to Reynolds in several stories that both of them have denied. Blake's brief romance with Leonardo DiCaprio is also mentioned. Here are the headlines.

• People: Ryan Reynolds & Blake Lively: New Romance?
• OK!: Blake steals Sandra's man!
  she's 23 years younger than Sandra!
  Right after dumping Leo, Blake hooks up with Ryan.
  Inside their steamy Boston weekend!
• Star: Exclusive details
  Sandra dumped by Ryan
• In Touch: Blake: How she stole Ryan

Farewell to Steve Jobs 1955-2011

Publications: People, OK!
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The two nicest gossip rags both give nice send-offs to Steve Jobs on their covers this week. While Jobs is not the most famous person to die this year - that honor belongs to either Miss Elizabeth Taylor or Osama Bin Laden - he is the person whose life is the most relevant to the way people live in 2011. Here are the headlines.

• People: The Life & Genius of Steve Jobs
  Farewell to an American original
  His Private World
  His Brave Battle
  1955-2011
• OK!: Steve Jobs 1955-2011
  Touching celeb tributes
  

Best wishes to the family and friends of Steve Jobs, from a guy less than a year younger than him, writing a silly blog on a Mac.

She Fought The Law Alert™: Amanda Knox goes free.

Publication: People, OK!
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Both People and OK! have cover stories about Amanda Knox and the overturning of her 2007 murder conviction in Italy. From what I've read, if you can get a re-trial in Italy, overturned convictions are pretty common. Nancy Grace thinks it's a gross miscarriage of justice, which tends to make me think Amanda Knox didn't do it.

In any case, here are the headlines.

• People: Amanda Knox goes free
  Inside her prison ordeal
  cleared of 2007 murder
  Exclusive details about her agonizing years in an Italian jail, how her family kept her spirits up - and what's next for the 24-year-old
• OK!: Amanda Knox is free
  Emotional journey home

Bun in the oven alert™: Wills'N'Kate decide when their baby will be born!

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe had it as a throwaway sub-headline, but OK! and In Touch think it's worth a story on its own. Wills'N'Kate have set a date for the birth of their baby. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: William and Kate talk the royal baby!
• In Touch: Kate a baby in June

Okay, we just started October, so nine months from now is early July. Is she like two weeks pregnant? There hasn't been any official confirmation, and it's really hard to set an exact date this far out, so I'm going to give both In Touch and OK! a fail label for this one.

I'll take it back if I'm wrong.

Bun in the oven alert™: New pictures prove Jen is pregnant!

Publication: OK!
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Jennifer Aniston is definitely a star of the gossip rags. As it is with BrAngelina, so has it come to pass with her. She doesn't actually have to do anything, she only has to exist and they will be glad to make up crap about her. This week it's OK!, the nicest of the gossip rags if not the most reliable, saying they have photographic proof she is heavy with child.

• bigger boobs
• telltale bump
• curvier booty!
• 'This is the happiest I've ever been!'
• PLUS Why Justin will be a great dad!
  

The story has already been denied.

On the rocks alert: More trouble for Kim'N'Kris.

Publications: National Enquirer, OK!, Star
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kim'N'Kris barely had a honeymoon when it comes to coverage in the supermarket rags, and this week their new marriage is dragged through the mud by three different mags with three different takes on the source of the trouble. It should be noted that they are getting hit from all sides of the Naughty to Nice Spectrum, from the meanest rag the Enquirer to the nicest OK!, with Star thrown in for good measure.

The Enquirer's story is under a banner headline of "Dirty Divorces!", but a sub-headline of "Whose marriage can be saved - whose can't" holds out a small glimmer of hope for the Orc groom and his hot Hobbitt bride. Here are the headlines.

• Enquirer: Kris wants out - He's sick of Kim's whining and overspending
• Star: Kim betrayed!
  Hubby caught with two other women
• OK!: Kris and Kim: their nastiest fight ever
  

All the Teen Mom crap for 10 Oct. 2011

Publications: OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 Oct. 11

Four supermarket gossip rags decided to take a dip in the cesspool that is Teen Mom. Here are the headlines, three about Farrah Abraham and one about Catelynn Lowell, just in case anyone reading this can tell the difference between these half-witted bimbettes.

• OK!: Teen Mom Farrah: back with her baby
• In Touch: Farrah's baby: Ditched to party
• Weekly Life & Style: Farrah's regret: She wants Sophia back
• Us Weekly: Teen Mom Catelynn: Afraid Tyler will dump her

Note that there are three completely different takes on the Farrah story, and In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are owned by the same company. Some one need to work on getting their stories straight.

Bun in the oven alert™: Kim's big news!

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, says Kim Kardashian is in the family way and includes her husband in the picture on the cover, just in case readers might be confused about the paternity. Here are the headlines.

• It's baby time!
• The secret she can no longer keep: Her first child is on the way!
• (showing already)
  

I have seen neither denial or confirmation of these latest rumors.

Love Bird Alert™: J. Lo's new man is...

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! OK! has a teaser headline, promising an exclusive story on who Jennifer Lopez's new fella is.

I never play the guessing game stuff, but I will finish the sentence.

J. Lo's new man is... a damn fool if he doesn't get as far away from this drama queen as he can and double quick, too!

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Jen's wedding in Mexico!

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! A lot of gossip stars make multiple appearances on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, with very different versions of their lives being told.

Let's start at the top with Jennifer Aniston. OK! says she's getting ready for a wedding in Mexico and the headline under her picture reads 'Brad won't ruin my big day'.

Her current beau is not named or is there a picture of him, so I run this picture of Jen and Brad from happier times.

Or from the time when he was a sluggard stoner couch potato and she was no help.

It all depends on who you talk to and when.

The Teen Mom noise continues.

Publication: OK!
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Last week, Weekly Life & Style had Farrah Abraham from Teen Mom on the cover with the story that she was giving up her baby. This week, OK! does an "exclusive" follow-up that her family is demanding she take her daughter Sophia back.

Other than the Kardashians, this is the show the supermarket rags like to report on the most, followed closely by Dancing With The Stars.

We don't deserve to survive as a species.

On the rocks alert: This week's Kim'N'Kris mishegas

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Before a few weeks ago, the stories about Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries were mostly positive, but now, everything is going to hell in a handbasket. Here are the headlines.

• OK!: Kim'n'Kris: Will the marriage be annulled?
• In Touch: Kim disses Kris' family

In Touch is the meanest of the non-AMI gossip rags, so when they get catty, it's not a big surprise. OK!, on the other hand, is the nicest if not most reliable American supermarket tabloid. If they are going after the couple, it's open season.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen's feelings with comments in Parade magazine.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays!?! Yes, there is clearly the Story of the Week, so let's get an early start on it. Some combination Brad and Jen and Angie and Justin (Theroux, the odd man out when it comes to gossip fame in this crowd) show up on an astonishing seven of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and given that none of them are old enough to be interesting to the Globe and the low rent Examiner and Nostradamus foolishly forgot to make any prophecies about them that would be published in the Sun, seven is just about the max anyone can get.

The National Enquirer story is way different from the others, so it will get its own post tomorrow.

Brad Pitt was interviewed in Parade magazine in the publicity run-up to his new movie Moneyball and he made some comments about having no ambition in the 1990s and his marriage to Jennifer Aniston no being what he had hoped for. This has caused a stink and he has publicly apologized, but that doesn't stop the gossip rags from flying off the handle in a jillion different directions. Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad to Jen: 'I'm Sorry'
• OK!: Brad to Jen: I've been living a lie!
  Brad publicly apologizes to Jen
  The shocking truth is finally revealed!
  A humiliated Angelina is devastated
• In Touch: Brad's insults spark a new war
  Jen's man threatens Brad
  Inside their explosive Sept. 14 showdown
  Justin calls Brad a "wimp" and warns, "Shut your mouth!"
  PLUS How Angelina is still fueling the fire
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Brad's jealous of Jen
• Us Weekly: Brad trashes their marriage
  Jen demands an apology
  Enraged by Pitt's cruel attack, Aniston refuses to let him spoil her happiness
• Star: Jen rips Brad for trashing her
  The furious phone call
  
  

As you can see, this story is all over the place. Tomorrow, one completely different gossip story that includes Jen and Angie and Justin and leaves Brad completely out of the picture.