Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kelly calls Christina fat!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

When we get a headline like "Kelly calls Christina fat!" it helps to have pictures. Too many Kellys and Christina's on the field, don'tcha know.

The Kelly is the rudest Kelly, Kelly Osbourne.

The Christina is Christina Aguilera, who doesn't currently look as good as this.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and On the Rocks Alert: Oprah incensed as Gayle steals Stedman!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

The Oprah/Gayle/Stedman triangle has been an unstable situation for some time now according to the gossip rags, but how about a curveball to throw it completely out of whack? Yes, Stedman is seeing Gayle according to the low rent Examiner. They call this "breaking news", the latest fad in these slow moving publishing dinosaurs, and of course, Oprah is furious.

Demon Rum Alert™: Camilla's drunken tirade stuns queen

Publication: Globe
Date: 31 Oct. 2011

It's too bad that the popular Camilla in the tabloids is Camilla Parker-Bowles and not Camilla Belle. She really is cute as a bug's ear.

But since the publication date of this week's tabloids is Halloween, it's only fair we get a story about this old bat. Camilla once again got drunk, once again said nasty things about Kate and this time she stunned the queen, who should kinda sorta be used to drunks saying stupid things by now, given her family history.

On the rocks alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kim'n'Kris in crisis. And, oh yeah, Khloe hates the guy.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly
Date: 24 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Both literally and figuratively, the honeymoon is over for hot hobbit Kim Kardashian and her orc husband Kris Humphries. The wedding was just this August and after a few nice stories about a honeymoon in Italy, it's been a non-stop crap storm for the mismatched pair. Here are the headlines about them.

• OK: Kim&Kris: Faking it for the cameras
• Weekly Life & Style: Exclusive interview
  'What have I done?'
  Kim realizes her marriage is a mistake and demands a break from Kris
  Tears and regret after only 53 days
  

And just to make matters worse for Humphries, currently without a paycheck due to the NBA labor crisis, his sister in law Khloe flat out dislikes him.

• Us Weekly: Sisters torn apart: Why Khloe hates Kris

I really don't understand the public's obsession with this family and I can't tell if a huge wedding plastered all over their show and the gossip rags followed by a quickie divorce will be good or bad for their reality TV empire, but my best guess is that they have peaked and the decline in interest is now inevitable.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: More country catfights.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

This is the continuation of the Meanest Story nominee that said Miss Dolly Parton and Miss Loretta Lynn are not seeing eye to eye.

The other alleged feuds are more generational.

Chely Wright and Reba McIntire are not getting along.

And welcome to gossip hell, Gretchen Wilson! The young woman who had her first big hit in 2004 She is supposed to be having trouble with Tanya Tucker, whose first hit was recorded in 1972, which makes this Hey Old Timer Gossip.

She looks like she's in pain. I'm in pain just looking at that outfit.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Bill and Barack hate each other.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The Globe prints more stories about Barack Hussein Hitler Obama than does the low rent Examiner, but the Examiner is fond of story that the Clintons and the Obamas do not get along. This time, instead of Michelle and Hillary, it's Bill and Barack who are at each others' throats.

All this week's Real Housewives stuff. And there's a lot.

Publications: Star, In Touch, Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell and good bye, Jacqueline Laurita! The Real Housewife gets her first mention on the cover of a supermarket rag this year just as she is quitting the show.

Wise move as far as I can tell, though I don't watch this stuff.

I mean, like ever. Not even stopping for a minute while using the clicker.

Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Housewives fight
  Why Jacqueline quit
• Star: Bethenny divorce
  Her mom tells all
• In Touch: Jacqueline attacks Teresa!
  Why she snapped
• Us Weekly: Teresa's plot to destroy Melissa

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™ and Bun in the Oven Alert: Kate crushes Camilla... and, oh yeah, she's gonna have a baby.

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

Once again, Kate and Camilla are at each others' throat and allegedly, the younger, taller, more fit competitor has won this round. Apparently, all Kate had to say is "Go to hell, Camilla!" and by Buckingham Palace rules, she wins!

And, as an aside at the end, the Globe lets us know the date Wills'N'Kate have set aside for the royal heir to be born.

Meanest story nominee: The only country catfight that matters.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 17 Oct. 2011

The low rent Examiner has one of those grab bag Who Hates Whom stories on their cover this week, this time dealing with women of country music. I'm ignoring the two preliminary fights to make the main event a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

According to the low rent Examiner, Miss Loretta Lynn is in a tussle with...

Miss Dolly Parton.

Regular readers will know that when I call some lady "Miss", this means I take a dim view of anyone saying bad things about them.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Problems With Plastic Alert and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Hillary's secret plastic surgery!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

The Globe continues with the theme that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton really don't like one another. Here are the headlines.

• After Michelle Obama calls her old, sloppy & fat…
• Hillary's secret plastic surgery!
• Now she's ready to kick the Obamas out of the White House!
  

Meanest story nominee: William orders Charles to dump Camilla now!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

In the tabloids, the Camilla Parker-Bowles of 2011 is not so much a human being as a robot programmed to attack her daughter-in-law Kate Middleton. (I know I should stop calling her by her maiden name, but I really haven't got quite used to Duchess Catherine yet.) In any case, Wills has told jug-eared Chuck that he has to get rid of her NOW.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Why Kris' family hates Kim!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This is one of two stories about Kim'n'Kris this week, and while they don't completely contradict one another, they do point in different directions.

According to Weekly Life & Style, Kris Humphries' family has little love for his new bride, which means we can expect a steady stream of catty insider gossip about this year's most famous couple, reality TV division.

I hate to be the one to say I told you so, but these Orc/Hobbit mixed marriages never work.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Oprah tricked out of millions by Gayle!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! If it's a nasty story about Oprah Winfrey, you can bet it will be in one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, this time in The Flagship, the National Enquirer. If we are to believe them, always a risky proposition, things aren't going well with The Big O and her galpal Gayle King. Here are the headlines.

• Oprah tricked out of millions by Gayle
• Oprah blasts: "You used me!"
• plus: Shocking new lawsuit claims Gayle's a con artist
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: 9/11 mourners attack arrogant Kirstie Alley!

Publication: Globe
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

The Globe repeats a story that Kirstie Alley got on the wrong side of people at a September 11 tribute by demanding a helicopter ride entrance. There were restrictions on the air space and her request was denied.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Minka Kelly slaps TV staffer after he gropes her

Publication: Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Minka Kelly! Star has an exclusive story that the young actress who now stars in the latest version of Charlie's Angels slapped a staff member who groped her.

The way this story is told, she absolutely did the right thing, but in Hollywood "doing the right thing" sometimes translates to "hard to work with". Best luck to Ms. Kelly in her future career.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kathie Lee to replace Regis... and he's furious!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Daytime TV is for an older demographic, and that demographic reads the low rent Examiner. Regis Philbin is leaving his successful show and the rumor is he will be replaced by his former partner Kathie Lee Gifford, a development of which he disapproves. Here are the headlines.

• She'll RUIN the show, he rages
• Last Show: Nov. 18, 2011
  

Other sources confirm the last show's date, but no mention of his replacement has yet been made.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Angelina targets Jen's new man YET AGAIN.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Say what you will about the National Enquirer. I have probably said something worse. If they have a saving grace, it's that their stories are usually not just re-hashes of stuff that's already been printed elsewhere. Even when they cover the same material, they usually put a meaner spin on it. This week, they have Angelina Jolie trying to get between Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux. Here are the headlines.

• Angie wants Jen's new man!
• Explosive fight after Angelina invites Justin to dinner & offers him movie role
• Jen rages: "Keep your hands off of him!"
  

This story is ten weeks old, first reported by In Touch. Not the Enquirer's best work by a long shot.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Brad hurts Jen's feelings with comments in Parade magazine.

Publications: People, OK!, In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Star
Date: 3 Oct. 2011

Fresh trash on... Wednesdays!?! Yes, there is clearly the Story of the Week, so let's get an early start on it. Some combination Brad and Jen and Angie and Justin (Theroux, the odd man out when it comes to gossip fame in this crowd) show up on an astonishing seven of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and given that none of them are old enough to be interesting to the Globe and the low rent Examiner and Nostradamus foolishly forgot to make any prophecies about them that would be published in the Sun, seven is just about the max anyone can get.

The National Enquirer story is way different from the others, so it will get its own post tomorrow.

Brad Pitt was interviewed in Parade magazine in the publicity run-up to his new movie Moneyball and he made some comments about having no ambition in the 1990s and his marriage to Jennifer Aniston no being what he had hoped for. This has caused a stink and he has publicly apologized, but that doesn't stop the gossip rags from flying off the handle in a jillion different directions. Here are the headlines.

• People: Brad to Jen: 'I'm Sorry'
• OK!: Brad to Jen: I've been living a lie!
  Brad publicly apologizes to Jen
  The shocking truth is finally revealed!
  A humiliated Angelina is devastated
• In Touch: Brad's insults spark a new war
  Jen's man threatens Brad
  Inside their explosive Sept. 14 showdown
  Justin calls Brad a "wimp" and warns, "Shut your mouth!"
  PLUS How Angelina is still fueling the fire
• Weekly Life & Style: Why Brad's jealous of Jen
• Us Weekly: Brad trashes their marriage
  Jen demands an apology
  Enraged by Pitt's cruel attack, Aniston refuses to let him spoil her happiness
• Star: Jen rips Brad for trashing her
  The furious phone call
  
  

As you can see, this story is all over the place. Tomorrow, one completely different gossip story that includes Jen and Angie and Justin and leaves Brad completely out of the picture.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ and Fussin' and Feudin' Alert: Angie plans to ruin Jen's wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 26 Sept. 2001

OK!, the most positive scandal rag if not the most reliable, doubles down on the cover story with two unsubstantiated rumors, the marriage plans of Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux, allegedly planning to wed in December, AND the wedding plans of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Of course, their take in the situation is that the witch Angelina is planning on getting married just to ruin Jennifer's wedding.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Camilla storms out after bitter fight with Kate!

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kate Middleton is neither the queen of Great Britain or the queen of the gossip rags just yet, but she's making a good run at it. This week, the Globe says wicked step-mother Camilla Parker-Bowles has had it up to here and will not accept Kate as queen, as if she has a choice. The headline continues with Camilla fleeing to America and demanding $20 million home here.

I'm not buying it. Not the story and obviously not the house.